love yourself

All my life I felt I have done my best......especially for my mother and my children. I cannot claim however, that I was a perfect wife for my husband. He was so perfect for all of us that I will never be able to match him. He was so well-liked and respected by everyone, generous, understanding, and always knew what he was doing, whereas I was perfectly the opposite. Yet he was able to tolerate me all throughout out 36 years of marriage life. I felt so blessed for 36 years of my life, though I cannot deny that I had a fair share of unhappiness for ten years when he took a second wife in 1985. I suppose that is how God wanted to test me. We almost went our separate ways then, had it not been for my six beautiful children whom I dearly loved and worshipped.

I like to dress well and was always very fashionable and a trend setter, whereas he wanted nothing of that. I drives a Ford prefect to work as a clerk, in the early days of our marriege, while he goes to work on his ricketty old bicycle as a technician. I bought the car because I was holding three jobs at the same time.

I was only earning RM125.00 a month as a clerk in the District and Land Office, Kota Bharu while he was earning slightly more (I think) as a technician in the Survey Department. The income was hardly enough to feed our two babies. But I was very lucky as it was very easy to get jobs in those days. I was offered jobs with RTM as a part-time announcer and also a part-time teacher, teaching evening adult education classes in Kedai Mulong, about 14 kilometers away from kota Bharu.

Having a car for me to drive to work is considered a neccessity as I have to go back and feed my babies during lunch break and drive off to Wakaf Che Yeh to be at the conti by 5 o'clock every evening and later at 8.00 o'clok I had to rush to Kedai Mulong to fulfill my teaching obligations three times a week.

We were married on 1st of september 1960 and our first child was born on 28th of May 1961. Another daughter was born on 8th of June the following year.

My husband and I have very little in common. He deciplines our children while I was very protective and never allow him to lay his hands on them. I like to scold my children by screaming while he would take the rattan to show his anger.

However, I was always very close with my late mother. I have never gone against her wishes. She was my life and soul. When she died, part of my life went with her.

When she died, I felt my whole world came tumbling down on me. I was devastated. My world came crashing again when my husband decided to take another woman to be his lawfully wedded-wife. Had it not been for my children, I think I would have gone insane. I think of nothing but dying and pray to God to take my life away.

My children, are my everything. My youngest son, Azan was only twelve when his father died. I have never had any brothers or sisters, but I have many cousins living with my grandmother.

We all live in one big family home belonging to my grandmother. Apart from my mother,grandmother, grandfather and me there were others members of the family. there were eleven of us. My mother had to cook for all of them. She never complains and that make me wonder how she could handle all of us. She loves all her nieces and nephews and of course she loves me most. I was her only child.

My mother was a single parent for the most part of her life after my father left her when I was still in her womb. She married only once, when I was about fifteen years old, but her second husband died a few years later and she never re-marry again.

I was always given the best of everything especially food and attention. I never had to do anything. I was never asked to wash my own clothes and I have never helped her in the kitchen either. All was brought to me on a silver plate, so to say.

I remember whenever I come back from school, she will greet me at the gate and will carry my school bag up into the house. Lunch is ready, which is a spread of at least four of my favorite dishes (lauk- pauk) and I will be the first to eat. Nobody will touch the food before I eat. I do not remember having to share my food with anybody else. I eat alone, sometimes my mother will seat by me and watch me eat. She will eat after everyone has finished maybe because she had to clear all the dishes afterwards. MY MOTER WAS AN ANGEL SENT ABOVE.

My mother was such a deligent woman, strong, kind and very humble. She enjoyed cooking and sewing.

When I decided to follow my husband to work in Johore bahru, she came to live with us. My husband adopted two chidren from the kampung and they too came to live with us. By this time we already had three beautiful daughters. Nik Elin Zurina, Nik Ainun Zanariah and Nik Adura Zuliana.